Before the surgery, I never used to fart when I woke up. In fact, I didn’t vote for “”always”” in that recent front page poll. But now, every single morning, I wake up and rip ass. Gilbert is usually annoyed.
I have discovered that my body no longer processes fat, toxins, and other nasties that used to leach into my system when I ate like crap. Now when I eat bad, I pay within minutes.
On Tuesday we went to Reno to drop my sister off at the train station. We spent the night at Circus Circus and enjoyed buffets, ice cream, a fancy dinner, and various other not-so-good items. Almost the minute I finished eating my banana split, I heard (and felt) this rather bizarre gurgling in the pit of my stomach. My asshole bulged as if it had to fart, but something told me this wasn’t a good idea. I raced up to our hotel room instead and sat on the toilet.
Thank God I listened to intuition. That fart turned out to be a liquid explosion the likes of which hadn’t been seen since the Missoula floods 12,000 years ago. Everything landed in the toilet. My melon and bean salad at lunch. The bananas, ice cream, nuts, caramel, and cherries from my banana split. Several chunks of breaded rack of lamb, potatoes, squash, and fresh baked bread. Everything came out almost as it had been when it went in. All in a single fart!
Yes, disappointing as it was to me. I almost regretted not farting in the middle of the casino. That would have made a great story for the front page. But, alas, I’m not THAT dedicated a journalist.
We went to Carson City to do some shopping for our irrigation system the next day. I really didn’t have much of an appetite until after we arrived at the motel at Topaz Lake. Then I scarfed down another fruit salad, potato bacon soup, top sirloin steak, and a baked potato with all the fixings. This is what the toilet ate a few minutes after MY meal.
Tonight the pattern of crapping changed. We had a regular meal without all the crap in it. No chemicals. No added salt. Nothing but chicken thighs with a little bit of fat on the side. A few minutes after my meal I had the usual gassy gurgle and tried to sneak a fart. My crack was instantly soggy. I waddled to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet (thankfully discovering my underwear was clean) and farted again. A rain of something hot and greasy fell into the toilet with a sort of SLOOSH! sound. When I got up I discovered that the entire bowl was filled with yellow chicken fat. Nothing solid.
So, with my gallbladder out, my guess is my body rejects anything crappy. Fat and chemicals, as well as other junk, goes right through in a matter of minutes. It makes me shudder to think of all the things that used to be processed right into my body instead of ushered through.”